Living a Joyful Journey

The Walls of My Heart

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I remember a conversation with a dear friend shortly after we started fostering. She asked me if I found myself putting up walls around my heart until we knew we get to keep the child forever. I immediately replied, “No. You just can’t. After you been up with them all night, lying beside their crib with an arm sticking through the side of the crib to keep your hand on their back because that’s the only way you can sleep. When you’ve rocked them to sleep and poured out your heart to God in prayer for this child. When you can’t leave the room because they scream in fear that they can’t see you. You just can’t put up a wall.”

Almost 2 years have gone by and we’ve had 11 kids come into our hearts and lives for a time since that conversation with my friend. If she were to ask me that same question today, my answer would be a little different.

“I don’t want to put walls around my heart, but it’s a real struggle not to. It’s selfish I know, but it hurts so much when they leave and not knowing where they are at or how they are doing is almost unbearable. It’s a moment by moment struggle to keep new walls from rising, to stop the ones already there from growing, and to tear them down. But I’m trying really hard to give them my whole heart.”

Grieving a loss is hard work and so painful. We are walking through this currently as a family; some days are good, and other days emotions are high and you can almost touch the pain surrounding us. It’s a process. As foster parents, this process is often compounded by the fact that we have another kiddo in our home. The pain we feel for the one that just left our home is also staring us in the face from within our home, as we fully recognize we could have to go through all over again if this precious baby leaves us too. So here come the walls, because the pain we feel now is one we don’t want to feel again, ever.

So how and why do we do it??? Somedays I seriously ponder this question and desperately want to just walk away. Yes, I know that sounds horrible and you’re probably judging me just a little, wondering how I could walk away from the most precious baby ever. Well, that precious baby girl is exactly what keeps us going.

Every time I’m in a mood where I want to quit or even the circumstances of her case are driving me insane, it never fails that one look upon her face moves me with compassion for her. Lately, Jesus words (He was moved with compassion for them”) speak to my heart so frequently as I try to navigate the hurt my own loss while I’m the primary caregiver of a small child who is trying to navigate her own loss. I’m so thankful for these words as they often come when Little Miss is having a moment of her own and I can’t figure out how to calm her and I’m starting to lose it myself. Not only do these words stir my heart, but they move me to compassion for her. They soften my demeanor and attitude. They keep the walls from rising and they send others crashing to the ground.

The other thing I’ve noticed that directly correlates to building and tearing down of these walls around my heart is prayer. I think we could all agree that this correlation can be applied to our lives in general. The more I pray for my foster kid, the walls get shorter and fewer. Whereas the less I pray for them, the bigger and stronger the walls get. I find this to be true with just about anything in my life. The things we need to pray about most for the sake of our own hearts, are the things that are often the hardest for us to pray about.

Today’s challenge is two-fold:

  1. Pray for a foster family you know personally. Pray for the walls of their hearts to come crashing down. Pray for them and their greif over the kids that are no longer in their home.
  2. This one’s going to get you: pray over that “thing” in your own life that you’ve been avoiding in your own prayer life. Ask God to begin tearing down the walls you’ve build about that “thing”.

Life is like …. a Roller Coaster Ride!

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I love roller coaster rides!!! The safe ones, anyways. Not the traveling ones at the fair. The huge permanent ones at amusement parks. I’m not really sure why I like them, but I do.

I’m not a fan of heights or water or feeling like I’m going fall off a cliff or going so fast I can’t pull my head away from the headrest or worst of all, not being in control. A roller coaster is all of those things wrapped up into an exhilarating few minutes.

The excitement and anxiousness that builds as you wait in line to get on the ride. The inability to sit still once you’re in your seat and buckled in before the ride starts. The urge to giggle as the ride starts inching forward because you’re so nervous for what’s coming up ahead. Then there’s that first giant climb – it’s slow, sometimes painfully slow, the ground gets further beneath you. Now you get a little scared and you start to press back into your seat and maybe grip the bars next to or in front of you. Now you’re at the top and you know you’re going to take off, plummeting to ground. I’m pretty sure I have a look of sheer terror on my face at this moment, but it’s only for an instant. And then, the roller coaster takes off and you can’t help but yell out in fear, excitement, freedom, and joy! Next you hit the bottom and all the turns and twists start coming faster than you like, but you hang on for dear life and know it’ll all be over soon. As the ride comes to an end, your heart is pumping, you can finally breathe, but you realize it’s over and you’re a little sad because as terrifying as those moments were, the other moments were pure joy.

Being a foster parent is a lot like riding that roller coaster. The main difference would be that instead of the riding lasting only a few minutes, it lasts days, months, or years depending on the case. One thing is certain: there are mountains that build anticipation as you climb and create terror and joy as come down; there are twists and turns where you’re literally hanging on for dear life; you are 90% out of control of what’s going on; and no matter how it ends, there will be tears of sorrow and laughs of joy.

To be honest, it’s exhausting: mentally, physically, emotionally (especially), and spiritually. It’s work to stay on this roller coaster. Somedays it feels like the seatbelt failed, the roller coaster is stuck inverted at the top of a loop, and your hands are starting to slip.

So how do we hang on? How do we push through to get to the next moment of joy?

For me, it’s two things: 1. believing and having faith and 2. others that come alongside us and share in our burdens.

When I’m in one of those moments where I’m completely exhausted, questioning why we are doing this, and wanting to just let go and jump down off the stranded roller coaster car; I’m thankful in these moments that God has drawn me closer to Him, given me a desire to get to know Him, that I love Him. His word is written in my heart, and I believe His promises to me. My belief in who God is and that He loves me more than I could ever love Him breeds faith. Faith that God is there with me, my safety net if my hands did slip, that His plan for this child is being played out and He wants me to be a part of it. It’s not easy, and there are many moments and days where it feels like He’s not there and the safety net is gone. But then the sun changes in the sky and I see a glimmer of it’s rays hitting the net. He’s there. Always there!

We have an amazing support system and I’m so very thankful for each and everyone of them!! Each person in our “tribe” plays a different role in supporting us from buying clothes for the kids, bringing us a meal, handing down clothes for the kids, watching the kids for a few hours, being an ear for me to vent to, but most importantly, those who faithfully pray for us!!! It seriously brings me to tears thinking of all the people that I know that pray for us constantly!! Hear me when I say this: There is NO way we could stay on this roller coaster without these prayers!!!!

I’ll leave you with this today:

“Blessings multiplied and burdens divided.”

Sara Kerns

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

“I Could Never Do That”

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“I could never do that.”

When people learn I’m a foster parent, they will usually end up saying “I could never do that.” I never know what to say.

If I’m honest with myself, that very phrase was an excuse I used for several years to keep my heart closed to the idea of being a foster parent.

I’ve experienced the hurt and pain of losing eight children within my womb. That is a pain and hurt that never goes away. And when we decided to be done trying to have another biological child, I never wanted to have another loss of a child. So we pursued private adoption.

In two years of being with our adoption agency, we were never matched with an expectant mom, and to be honest I’m not sure we even got close to being matched. But in those two years, God began to soften this hard heart and press in deep the idea of being a foster parent. Proof he knows me intimately: he pressed gradually and consistently; that is the only way this lady was going to go that route.

I remember the very first meeting we had with the Navigator for CYFD, and how I said to her that I just didn’t think I would ever be able to love a child as my own and then let them leave. I thought it would feel the same as having a miscarriage/stillborn.

Here we are, 18 months into our fostering journey and we’ve loved eight babies that we’ve had to say good bye to. (In case you’re wondering, the weight of that number fully hit me as I typed it and correlated it to the eight we’ve lost through miscarriage.) Some were in our home only a few days, while others were here for over a year.

Saying good bye is so very hard! And while it’s a loss to our WHOLE family, there is still hope and surprisingly the hurt isn’t quite so deep. It’s not because they aren’t biologically ours. It’s because these kids still have life and a future ahead of them!

Photo Credit: Casey Cometti

When someone tells me, “I could never do that” here’s what I want to say:

           “Yes you can!!! We CAN do lots of things, things we don’t want to do, things we never thought we would have the capacity to do. The only difference between me and you is I am in the game and you’re on the sideline trying to “play” my position. Plus, where’s that verse everyone likes to pull out in tough times? You know Philippians 4:13 I can do ALL things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Are saying that verse doesn’t apply to you but does apply to me in this situation I’m currently living out? No way, He would help you through it just like he is helping me and my family!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! It’s not easy and NO ONE wants to do it, but guess what YOU CAN!!”

So that’s really what I want to say to people, but I usually just stand there smiling.

The other thing that I think about loving a child and then letting them go, is that it’s a growing time for me and my family. I believe with all my heart that God has a purpose in EVERYTHING. I don’t always know what it is and may never know, but I do know that something good will come out of it all at some point. And because of that, I chose to see each situation, trial, test, whatever you want to call it as a chance for me to grow and become a little more like Christ, because that is our goal right?! I believe we are being refined in these moments. We are learning to love unconditionally, without expectation. That is a SCARY thing for this control-freak.

Another way to look at how we are able to let a child leave, is to think about something you personally have been through in your life that was very difficult (cancer, chronic illness, loss of a parent, addiction, etc.). I could easily say to you “I could never do that.” But what I really mean is, I don’t ever want to have to go through that, and I don’t even want to think about having to go through that. But could I go through it and come out on the other side a strong person??? Yes I can and I will if and when God chooses to use those things to refine me.

The difference between being refined through being a foster parent and being refined through things like cancer, loss of a parent, addiction, etc??? Foster parents willing chose to let God refine them through that means. I do NOT say that to place foster parents on a pedestal or infer that foster parents are better than anyone else. I simply say that as a challenge to anyone who’s heart is being gently pressed and softened toward becoming a foster parent.

If you have said this to me, please know I was not offended or hurt because I understand where your heart is in saying it. This post is just my thoughts on the topic and will hopefully challenge us all to live our lives with a greater faith and love each other a little deeper.

Thank You Mom!!

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This post is a little different as it’s a very special  shout out to my one and only precious Momma for the most amazing and most thoughtful gift!!

I’ve had several people throughout the years who have voiced their desire to get me something special as a remembrance of a baby we’ve lost. But no one knows what to get. The usual gifts prove challenging in my situation so everyone is at a loss. Well this year my mom absolutely NAILED it!!!

Giving and receiving gifts is #5 (out of 5) of my personal Love Languages (Get the book “The Five Love Languages” and read it – LIFE CHANGING!!). I’m not good at giving gifts and while everyone loves receiving a gift, gifts don’t always communicate to me what they are supposed to.  We all know that when a gift is given, the giver is trying to express some form of love through the gift given. Unfortunately, this is often lost on me, not because I’m a jerk and don’t care, it just doesn’t speak to me. My personal Love Language is Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. So if you want to express your love to me, send me hand written card with words from heart or come to my house and wash my dishes!!

This past Mother’s Day, I was given a gift that totally spoke my language!! Before we get to that, let me give you a little background history so you’ll fully grasp the significance of this gift. Or you can check out the semi-unabridged version here: My Joyful Journey

Abridged version: Over the past nine years, our little family has been blessed with an amazing little boy, but we’ve also lost eight babies through miscarriage. Each one has been devastating to us and our extended family. We all wish we had the answer and everyone wishes they could do something, anything to fix it and/or ease the pain. Unfortunately, there is no explanation and there’s nothing to be done.

My mom never had a miscarriage or suffered with infertility. She’s never lived it first hand, but she’s been by my side every step of my journey through infertility and loss. She can’t empathize and doesn’t even try to, but she does sympathize. Plus, these are her grand babies that have been lost. I know many times she’s felt helpless watching me go through it all, and I know that if she could do anything, she would. Well, she did and I absolutely love it!!

On this Mother’s Day 2017, just over 3 weeks after miscarriage #8, my momma gave me a gift to remember all my kids with. It’s simple and by many people’s account it’s plain, definitely nothing fancy. So it’s the perfect gift for me as I’m pretty simple, plain, and far from fancy. Ok, so here’s the gift: a small silver tag dangling from a silver chain with 9 tiny footprints engraved on it – the perfect, most beautiful reminder of . each time my womb held life within it.

I know this  wasn’t an easy thing to come up with. Easy would be something with their names, but only four have names; birthstones, but do you go with the stone of their due date or the day they were “born”; pinks and blues for boys and girls, but five are unknown to us. You see, all the traditional “Mother” jewelry ideas get complicated in my situation. Footprints, teeny tiny footprints, those say baby in the most precious, sweetest way. Footprints are an impression left when someone passes by. They are a mark that are left and remain long after the person is gone. Each of my nine kids has left a footprint on my heart that will never fade. I may not be able to give them a name while I’m on this earth, I will probably never know all of their genders, but I will always remember the joy they brought me knowing life was growing within me, hearing and seeing their hearts beating on the ultrasound, and watching them flip and kick and suck their thumbs on the ultrasounds. They are the footprints that have shaped who I am. Each one has taught me more than I ever could have imagined about this life.

Thank you Mom for this amazing gift!!! thank you for not forgetting my children that are absent from this world. Thank you for understanding that I will never forget them.

Two Pink Lines

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Two pink lines.

They change lives and drum up a mix of emotions: fear, excitement, joy, anxiety. No matter if the lines are expected and welcomed or completely unplanned and maybe even unwanted, the mix of emotions come in the anticipation and in those first few moments after the lines appear.

For some parents, it’s not two pink lines, but a phone call that brings this same storm of emotions. Only difference is, we don’t get nine months to prepare, hope, dream, and plan. We get nine minutes or what feels like nine seconds to say yes or no, but no matter what the answer, our life has been changed. And it’s not just one phone call that is life changing.

First, there’s the phone call from the agency or CYFD thanking you for your inquiry into fostering and/or adopting. I know this doesn’t seem like it would be life changing, but this phone call is validation that this thing, this REALLY big thing you and your family have talking about, praying about, for quite some time is now “public”. Someone else knows and they’re just excited about it as you are.

Then there’s phone call saying you’ve been approved to be LICENSED as a foster/adoptive family. Yep, there’s a whole ginormous process that your family has to go through to get a LICENSE, they really do give you a piece of paper and a card to carry in your wallet, saying you are fit to foster/adopt children. This phone call is proof that even though your life and your family are far from perfect, the state feels the good outweighs the bad and chances are you will be good parents. No matter what they say, you can’t help but feel that you are being judged. Your whole life aired out for some stranger to review and determine if you’re still a stable human being capable of raising and influencing tiny humans. This call. It’s a big deal!!

If you’re with a private agency waiting to adopt, you’ll probably get several calls letting you know there’s a mom who is reviewing your profile book. And then at some point, there’s a follow up call to let you know if the mom chose your family to raise her child. The first call I think can be likened to that moment when you’re trying to conceive a child and the day comes and you’re “late.” The hope and excitement of the possibility is overwhelming, and even though you know there might not be a baby, you can’t help but let yourself think of a future with a baby. Then there’s the waiting and the not knowing. Then instead of taking a pregnancy test, we get a phone call. Just as you go through the anxiety of waiting for the test to read and show your results, we get it too as soon as the phone rings and until they deliver the news. Two pink lines: overjoyed. One pink line: crushed and heartbroken. It’s the same for us with the phone call. Mom picked our family: overjoyed! Mom didn’t pick our family: crushed and heartbroken. Both are life changing. Though seemingly similar, there’s a difference: for the adoptive family they are now fully aware of baby that was conceived. Some will get to raise that child and will watch God’s plan for that child unfold before their eyes. But what about all those where we weren’t picked?? You see those are the most life changing because we will never know what becomes of their life. Some of these children may never even be born and given the chance at life because their mom will make the choice to have an abortion. Some children will be parented by their mom. Others will be adopted by another family. Each one is a hope and a dream to that adoptive family that got a call, no matter the outcome. That child, touched the very soul of that adoptive family; that is life changing.

Being a foster parent is very similar, only difference is we make the choice to say yes or no. The call comes, sometimes in the early morning hours when your dead asleep, sometimes in the late afternoon when you’ve had a crazy busy day and you are exhausted. The call has minimal information about this child, and a lot of times the information turns out to be completely inaccurate. They’re just doing the best they can in the limited amount of time they’ve had to investigate the situation. There’s always a question: Can you take this child?? With limited information and in a time crunch, we have to make a decision. No matter what, this call has changed our life, because like I’ve already said, it’s a child in need and that touches the soul. So you make the decision; no we can’t take this child right now. Even though you know without a doubt it was the right answer, we just can’t stop thinking about this kid: they changed our lives even though we never met them. But other times, you say yes! There’s SO many emotions: fear, anxiety, excitement, hope, anger, joy, etc. For many who hope to adopt, there’s hope that maybe this will be the one, but there’s also fear that your heart just might be broken in the end because they will go back home. Then you see that little face, and none of it matters; they need you and truth be told, you need them too.

It’s just a phone call.

Each phone call is a child. Each child has a need. That child in need, changes our lives. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never met many of the children I was called about, I can tell you about them because they truly touched my soul and even if for just a few minutes, they were my child.

The greatest impact these children have had on my life, has been the grip they hold on my heart even over time. I believe the Lord brings these children to mind every now and again so that I will pray for them. I do my best to be obedient and pray any time he brings a child from one these many calls to my mind. This is why it’s not just a phone call. Because once you know, you can’t let go. I count it an honor and a privilege to receive every phone call I do, because I know I can give that child my best gift: prayer.

It’s said all the time, being an adoptive and/or foster parent is a ministry and a calling. This is one of the many reasons why.

Surviving the First Year After Miscarriage

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The first year after a miscarriage is particularly difficult for many women, and rightfully so!! You’re grieving, and that process is always a tough one. There are things you will hear, see, and remember that will absolutely crush you and the sorrow of losing your baby will come flooding in like a tidal wave.

The First Month:

1. Follow up doctor visits  – I usually have to have blood work done soon after a miscarriage to make sure everything is returning back to “normal.” When I go, I have to walk past the room where it was confirmed that my baby boy had died. And then there’s the smell of the doctor’s office. They all have their unique smell and it seems so very strong and overbearing after a loss. It always makes me nauseous and physically ill.

2. Seeing friends and family for the first time – It’s always a unique and unpredictable encounter with every single person. Some will smile and say hi, pretending like life is status quo for all. Others will hug you and give a word of encouragement. And still others will avoid me for a time and it will be awkward. No response is right or wrong and to be honest, they all will cause some hurt and pain, just in a different way. The status quo reaction hurts because it makes me feel like that person has already forgotten my baby. The hug and word of encouragement always makes me cry because I know this person is bearing my grief alongside me. And those that avoid me for a time, that hurts because being avoided by someone always hurts. My personal preference is for people to give me a hug and a simple “I’m sorry!”

3. Pregnant people will be EVERYWHERE – You probably haven’t even noticed any other pregnant women lately, but now it seems like they are stalking you. It’s the weirdest thing. They just suddenly stick out like a flashing neon sign. And when you see them, it will momentarily take your breath away, you’ll quickly calculate how pregnant you should be, and wonder what you would look like with a cute baby belly. Live in the moment. Remember your baby and the dreams you had, but don’t dwell here.

4. Social media – you gotta love it, but man, sometimes you just hate it. Pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, anything baby related can be a trigger. Know that somedays it will absolutely crush you no matter how hard you try not to let it. Before jumping on Facebook or Instagram, acknowledge that you may see these things. If you’re not of a mindset to handle it, skip the feed scroll for a few hours. When you do see these posts of your friends, remember the joy you had in those moments with your baby and be excited for your friends!!

 

The First Year:

1. Baby Showers – These are tough especially if they happen during the time you should be the Mom-to-be at your own baby shower. To be honest, I don’t decide to go or skip the shower until the day of the event. It takes a lot mentally to be able to handle it, and you won’t know how you will be until that day. If I choose not to go, I still get a gift and give it the mom soon after. Word to the wise: your friend doesn’t need to know why you didn’t go to the shower so don’t make it about you by offering up an unsolicited explanation. If specifically asked why you weren’t there, use your judgement in the details you provide. I offer this advice, because some people will not and can not understand/comprehend why you can’t emotionally handle going to a baby shower. So save yourself some added pain, but keeping things vague. A simple, “I had something come up that day.” is often plenty adequate.

2. Nursery Duty – I volunteer to work in our church nursery once a month, but after a miscarriage I ask for a sabbatical. I do this because mentally and emotionally, it will take a lot for me to fulfill my commitment. If this commitment will be very difficult for you, ask for some time away from the ministry. Again, no explanation is required. If you begin to feel guilty about now fulfilling your commitment, get workers to fill your slots.

3. Delivery Month – Yep it’s a WHOLE month! We had an expected due date, but really how many kids are actually born on that day? So instead, we wonder the whole entire month what day should have been a special day, a birthday. My best suggestion for dealing with this is to pick a day ( I usually pick the due date), make that day the special “birthday.”

4. Holidays – Any special holiday can be difficult, but I find Christmas to be the most difficult. That missing stocking that’s not hanging on the mantle is particularly difficult for me. I often look at our mantle with 3 stockings hanging and try to picture what it would look like with the other 8 that are missing.

5. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day – technically this is a holiday, but it deserves a spot all it’s own. So many of us deeply desire to be Moms and Dads, as we should, so when we think we’re finally going to be able to claim those titles and get an extra day a year designated to celebrate us, it’s exciting and new and respected by those around us. And even if you already have kids and own the title of Mom or Dad, these days can bring on a flood of emotions, often totally unexpected because we recognize that there’s one or ten little voices calling out “Mommy” that’s missing!

Beyond the First Year:

1. The anniversary of your miscarriage – I think this one is pretty self explanatory and most people get this.

2. The should have been 1st year – We all know how much a baby grows and changes that first year of life. It’s an amazing thing with them hitting milestones constantly. So yeah, we wonder what our baby would be doing as a newborn, at 3 months, at 6 months, etc. We also wonder what those family photos and trips/adventures would have been like with a baby, our baby.

3. Should have been 1st Birthday – The 1st Birthday is a special one, we plan to make sure it’s perfect! The cake, the gift, the guest list, the decorations. I always wonder what their 1st Birthday party would have been like.

There’s so many others that could be on the list.
So what do we do? How do we handle these things?
GRACE!!!

Grace has to come in many forms and from many sources.
1. From God – “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Memorize this verse!! God’s already given you the grace that becomes strength when we are at our weakest, and believe me, these triggers will put you at your weakest.

2. From you – This is a tough one. I speak from experience here. I tend to be super hard on myself, but it is not productive in these situations. Remember to ask for God’s grace first and often times you find your own grace with ease.

3. From those around us – We absolutely need grace from those around us. This is super tricky, because we can’t control other people (as much as we wish we could). In my experience, if I ask for God’s grace first, and give myself grace, I usually don’t need it from anyone else. This also helps me to keep from being offended and becoming angry and bitter toward someone else.
If you’re the friend we need grace from, mostly I mean give us permission to feel what we feel, even if it’s 10 years down the road. Give us permission to miss the baby shower or back out of our nursery commitment. And please try to do so without making us feel guilty – compassion people, that’s it!

 

Why is it SO hard? Dealing with Miscarriage

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Really, why is it so hard to get past a miscarriage? Statistics are 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most happen very early on in a pregnancy and most doctors will say it’s because of a genetic problem. Makes sense – things weren’t goin right developmentally, the baby couldn’t survive.

So why is it SO hard to deal with?

I’ve known people who didn’t want a baby who conceived and later misccaried. And they grieved so hard for this baby that wasn’t “wanted.” So I don’t by the whole wanted versus unwanted argument.

I’ve known people that don’t believe in life beginning at conception that still grieved the loss of their baby when they miscarried. So it’s not about our beliefs as to when life begins.

I’ve personally lost a baby as early as 5 weeks and one as late as 19 weeks, and the pain was equal for each. So it’s not about when we lose them.

So why? Really? We never held these babies in our arms. Often times we didn’t even know if they were a boy or a girl. Most of the time, they didn’t have a name yet. We only knew them a few short days to months. So why????

“Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee.” Jeremiah 1:5
These words were spoken by God to the prophet Jeremiah, and I believe they are in scripture to remind each of us, from all eternity past. But most importantly I believe it is because of love!
“Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3
God’s love is everlasting and it DRAWS us! “We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 He loves each and everyone of us, and that love knits all together. It is how God created us to be – to love, especially the helpless. And what’s more helpless than the unborn?

It doesn’t matter if that baby was wanted or not, believed to be a baby or not, in the womb for one day or 280, or whatever reason you can come up with; that baby was loved by God and therefore loved by us!

But it doesn’t stop there. Through my personal experiences, I’ve come up with some other reasons why it’s so hard, especially for us women.
1. Shame and Guilt: We are women and our most basic bodily function/purpose is to bear children. (I do not say this in a degrading way toward women or to imply that the only function/purpose is to bear children! Rather I’m just saying that when we call it what it is, women and women only have been given an amazing, God-ordained creation that is a womb in which children are to be carried and born forth from. It’s quite amazing if you ask me!) The most common thing I’ve heard from other women and experienced myself is shame and guilt that they weren’t able to carry this baby to term. The guilt that maybe we did something that caused this to happen. That it’s our fault. That my friends, is a lot to handle and work through!! It’s also 100% FALSE!!!! I do not believe a miscarriage is the result of anything you did wrong; it is an unfortunate consequence of living in a fallen world as death is the ultimate penalty for sin. Sin of the world has resulted in the eventual physical death of us all; unfortunately the time of death for our babies came while they were yet still in the womb.
2. Feeling Alone: The statistic is 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage. So why do we feel alone? A lot of people say it’s because people don’t talk about it, and maybe that’s true, but I have another idea. That was my baby and my love for that baby can’t be duplicated; nobody loved my baby like I do, so how can you relate to my pain? Though we’ve been through the same experience of a miscarriage, each one is uniquely different in every aspect. No one but you can fully experience it and therefore a sense of aloneness develops. Here’s the deal ladies: We don’t have to be alone in this!! I’m not talking about joining a support group or pledging to be there for each other, although both are great and needed and helpful; rather I’m referring to the bigger picture of life. “…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, ‘The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.'” Hebrews 13:5-6 You see once we accept Christ as our savior, this promise, and SO many others become ours to claim and be comforted with on a daily basis, but especially in times like these!!! I beg you, don’t be alone as you walk this journey. Choose the friendship of Jesus!
3. Nothing Remains: I think it’s part of our nature to want to be remembered for something by someone. Our babies never got the chance to be known by anyone but us. Yes they left their mark on us and we will never forget them, but what about everyone else? They never saw our child, for that matter, we never saw our baby except on an ultrasound if we were lucky. There’s no pictures, no special toys or clothes, no lock of hair; there’s nothing tangible, absolutely NOTHING!!! Nothing the “what would’s…” What would he/she have looked like? What would they have been when they grew up? What would that family picture have looked like with them in it? Would they have been an amazing athlete, or musician? Would they have been funny and a class clown or serious with major drive and ambition? It’s hard because one day there is life growing inside you and hope growing in your heart and plans forming in your mind, and then there is NOTHING!! It’s ALL gone!! THAT is suffocating, gut-wrenching, panic attack causing like none other.
I don’t have a great solution to this other than to suggest that you find SOMETHING to remember your baby by: make a scrapbook of the ultrasound pictures, buy a special necklace, plant a rose bush, create something tangible for YOU to remember this baby by. The physical act of creating something, is so healing for me.
I think there are other reasons that contribute to the difficulty of dealing with a miscarriage, but these three seem to be the biggest for me. I’d love to hear your thoughts and how you’ve worked through it.

I am not strong!!

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Over the past seven years, I’ve been told a variation of “You’re so strong!” more times that I can recall. I know every time it has been said, it has been said as a compliment and to encourage me. Sometimes it does to serve as those things, but mostly it makes me frustrated that people can’t see the truth, at least not the truth I see.

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but after one of my earlier miscarriages (#3 or 4), I was sitting outside by my front door trying to make sense of things when my sister-in-law arrived. She hugged me and I remember telling her “I can’t do this!” I believed those words with all my heart in that moment. I had never done this before, I never in a million years thought I would have to live through this. Without a moment of hesitation she looked me in the eye and quoted Phillipians 4:13 to me: I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Those words brought to light Hebrews 4:12 “For the the Word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of joints an marrow, and is the discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”

As soon as she spoke the words, I knew – I couldn’t do this, it’s too much to bear – but I’m not just me anymore and I wasn’t bearing this grief alone. You see on that day when I was 17 and I gave my heart and my life to Jesus; from that moment on, he has been with me.

So here’s where my frustration comes in with people commenting on MY strength: it’s not me, not at all me, because me wants to give into the pain and quit. It is CHRIST IN ME that gives me strength. It’s his strength to me that gets me through everyday; that heals my heart; that restores my joy!!! So my dear friends who are searching for strength to continue on, to rise up; look to Jesus. He alone can give you that strength you so desire!!!

My Joyful Journey

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When most people hear about my journey, especially these past 7 years, they pity me, wonder how I keep going, and tell me how strong I am. To most people, my journey is far from joyful. So here’s the secret: my strength comes from the joy of the LORD and this joy comes from hope (more on that later). Now for the story:

My husband and I married and started our life together. It was a little different than most newlyweds as I was finishing up PT school in one city while my husband lived and worked to support us in another city 5 hours away. Our marriage and relationship was strong and wonderful despite the unorthodox start. As the end of PT school was approaching, we began discussing the idea of starting our family. God blessed, and 8 months after graduating from PT school our son was born! We knew he was a miracle and a blessing, but we really didn’t know how much so at the time.

Like many young families, we began planning for another child a year or so after the first was born. Little did we know that we were entering a time of trial that would be prolonged. As we began “trying” for a second child, I had 2 early miscarriages within the first 6 months. I knew in my gut that something was wrong so I sought medical help. Tests were run, abnormalities were found, medicines were prescribed and so we began this journey. A couple months later, we found ourselves expecting – the medicines seemed to be working and we were going to be parents to another child. Unfortunately, the medicines didn’t work; we had a silent miscarriage at 10 weeks. I was absolutely crushed!!! But I wanted another child more than anything so I kept pushing for an answer and a remedy that I might hold a baby.

More tests were run, more abnormalities were found, and more medicines were prescribed. At this point, we weren’t only having trouble carrying a baby, but also conceiving a baby. We were seeing different specialists and pursuing fertility treatments. “It was all so fun” said no one ever who has gone through this! The treatments did work for us and we were again expecting a baby! Oh the joy and excitement!! But also the fear and worry that we would lose this baby too. Our fears and worries were made manifest at 13 weeks when again I had another silent miscarriage. We were absolutely devastated again.

We were referred to more specialists and had more tests done. At this point, I was considered an anomaly as the medicines I had been given should have prevented a miscarriage and they couldn’t find anything to explain why this was happening to us. Not knowing is probably one of the hardest things to live with because no plan of attack can be formulated, instead you must have faith. At this point, God was working big time in me, maturing me spiritually that I might find joy in the midst of trial and pain. I still desperately longed to hold another baby, but I realized that I had done everything I possibly could to get what I wanted without accomplishing anything. Faith prevailed – I found rest in His arms and I found peace in trusting His plan. We surprisingly found ourselves expecting again. We still had fears and as hard as we tried, we still worried about this baby and whether or not we would hold her; but we prayed and trusted in His plan. Unfortunately, we did not get to hold our Hannah on this Earth as she entered heaven at 18 weeks gestation. To say we were heart broken would be an understatement. We will talk more about that some other time.

We still sought some kind of answer as to why this was happening to us so we traveled to a large metroplex and saw several specialists in the fields of infertility and perinatology, but left just as confused and frustrated. Some theories were given, but really, no one had a clue as to why I had had 5 miscarriages after carrying my son to term without any problems. We returned home unsure what the future would hold for us and what we should do.

At this point, I was pretty sick but didn’t even realize it. It appears that I was in an autoimmune attack and was suffering from leaky gut syndrome. Little did I realize that my life was about to be radically transformed as I was going to have to give up gluten and dairy in my diet to heal me. Nobody likes change. There’s not much joy to be had in giving up some of your favorite foods. Fortunately, God gave me a joyful heart in learning to cook and eat in a healthy way that would prove to change my life.

After a year of working on improving my health and getting to a point where all my abnormal labs were corrected, our hope of having another baby was restored. Again, we found ourselves expecting another bundle of joy. This time, I made a choice: I chose joy over fear and worrying. I chose to celebrate every little thing during my pregnancy. I chose to start planning the nursery early on. I chose to plan a gender reveal party. Every choice was a joyful one; a hopeful one! This made all the difference during this pregnancy because the worry and fear that comes with a pregnancy after a loss is completely and utterly overwhelming and consuming. Things were going amazing; baby was growing and I was even starting to feel her move and kick. That is the most AMAZING feeling and the best part of being pregnant if you ask me. The half way mark was fast approaching, meaning the anatomical scan (you know, the one where you find out the gender) was too! So I planned a gender reveal party for that night – we would find out that morning and then tell all our family and close friends that night. The worst text I think I have ever had to send simply read “Party cancelled.” And sadly, no one had to ask why; everyone just knew. Yep, it had happened again – our daughter had passed away.

At this point, I was resolved that we would never find an answer to the Why and if we were going to have another biological child, it would be the total and complete Hand of God performing a modern day miracle. The hubs and I were both trying to work through this process, the grieving process. We were getting there individually and as a couple. I was starting to really concentrate on improving my health and learning more about managing autoimmune diseases. When one day during a Google search about autoimmune diseases, I stumbled upon a website for a Reproductive Immunologist. As read through each page on the website, I felt like I was reading the story of my journey through infertility and loss. Here was the answer to WHY!!!! And here was the solution!!! The best way I know how explain what I was feeling would be how I imagine Mary and Martha feeling when Jesus says “Lazarus come out.” The hope that what you are grieving may actually not be lost and gone forever.

After contacting this new specialist, having lots more labs done, and consulting with my local treating doctor, we decided to give this new protocol a try because it was confirmed as to what the problem was and why I was miscarrying. So here we go again with a new found hope. Though we knew why and had a very probable solution, the fear and worry still lingered in the background, but our hope and joy was not to be overshadowed. Though this new protocol had an 80% success rate, we unfortunately fell into the 20%. We had lost another baby despite being on all kinds of meds to help treat the problem. After talking with the specialist, he now only gave the adjusted, more aggressive protocol a 60% chance of helping us to have a happy, healthy, full term baby. These odds were not very appealing to us, especially my emotions and my heart. Enough was enough. We were truly ready to stop searching for a forced, man-made miracle.

Within a month of loosing baby #7, we began discussing the possibility of us pursuing adoption. Just three short months later we found ourselves as approved, waiting, hopeful adoptive parents! The adoption process has been completely different than what my preconceived ideas told me it would be. Every adoption story is different from experience to wait time. We are nearly 2 years into the process and we are still hopeful, waiting adoptive parents. We know the most perfect baby will come to our family in God’s time; until then, we wait!!!

In the midst of the waiting, we very unexpectedly and completely unplanned, found our family celebrating a new life growing in my womb!!! This was my most amazing and worst pregnancy to date! It was amazing because I was healthy, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, going in which resulted in me being happy and optimistic. It was still a choice for me to believe, so I did; I believed with all my heart for 14 weeks, until the ultrasound told me otherwise. The devastation happens every single time and it does not get any easier. I think I am able to go through the process faster, but the depth of the hurt and pain is exactly the same.

I know this was SO long, but it is without a doubt the abbreviated version. I am frequently told, “You guys have been through so much.” Yes we have, but it’s nothing compared to what Christ went through willingly to save me and you. That! That sacrifice! That love! That Jesus Christ who died for me is what has gotten me through each and every day of this journey and has turned into a joyful one!! I hope you now know a little about my journey and I can’t wait to share more specifically about different aspects of my journey that it may bless and encourage you as you live your joyful journey!!!