When most people hear about my journey, especially these past 7 years, they pity me, wonder how I keep going, and tell me how strong I am. To most people, my journey is far from joyful. So here’s the secret: my strength comes from the joy of the LORD and this joy comes from hope (more on that later). Now for the story:
My husband and I married and started our life together. It was a little different than most newlyweds as I was finishing up PT school in one city while my husband lived and worked to support us in another city 5 hours away. Our marriage and relationship was strong and wonderful despite the unorthodox start. As the end of PT school was approaching, we began discussing the idea of starting our family. God blessed, and 8 months after graduating from PT school our son was born! We knew he was a miracle and a blessing, but we really didn’t know how much so at the time.
Like many young families, we began planning for another child a year or so after the first was born. Little did we know that we were entering a time of trial that would be prolonged. As we began “trying” for a second child, I had 2 early miscarriages within the first 6 months. I knew in my gut that something was wrong so I sought medical help. Tests were run, abnormalities were found, medicines were prescribed and so we began this journey. A couple months later, we found ourselves expecting – the medicines seemed to be working and we were going to be parents to another child. Unfortunately, the medicines didn’t work; we had a silent miscarriage at 10 weeks. I was absolutely crushed!!! But I wanted another child more than anything so I kept pushing for an answer and a remedy that I might hold a baby.
More tests were run, more abnormalities were found, and more medicines were prescribed. At this point, we weren’t only having trouble carrying a baby, but also conceiving a baby. We were seeing different specialists and pursuing fertility treatments. “It was all so fun” said no one ever who has gone through this! The treatments did work for us and we were again expecting a baby! Oh the joy and excitement!! But also the fear and worry that we would lose this baby too. Our fears and worries were made manifest at 13 weeks when again I had another silent miscarriage. We were absolutely devastated again.
We were referred to more specialists and had more tests done. At this point, I was considered an anomaly as the medicines I had been given should have prevented a miscarriage and they couldn’t find anything to explain why this was happening to us. Not knowing is probably one of the hardest things to live with because no plan of attack can be formulated, instead you must have faith. At this point, God was working big time in me, maturing me spiritually that I might find joy in the midst of trial and pain. I still desperately longed to hold another baby, but I realized that I had done everything I possibly could to get what I wanted without accomplishing anything. Faith prevailed – I found rest in His arms and I found peace in trusting His plan. We surprisingly found ourselves expecting again. We still had fears and as hard as we tried, we still worried about this baby and whether or not we would hold her; but we prayed and trusted in His plan. Unfortunately, we did not get to hold our Hannah on this Earth as she entered heaven at 18 weeks gestation. To say we were heart broken would be an understatement. We will talk more about that some other time.
We still sought some kind of answer as to why this was happening to us so we traveled to a large metroplex and saw several specialists in the fields of infertility and perinatology, but left just as confused and frustrated. Some theories were given, but really, no one had a clue as to why I had had 5 miscarriages after carrying my son to term without any problems. We returned home unsure what the future would hold for us and what we should do.
At this point, I was pretty sick but didn’t even realize it. It appears that I was in an autoimmune attack and was suffering from leaky gut syndrome. Little did I realize that my life was about to be radically transformed as I was going to have to give up gluten and dairy in my diet to heal me. Nobody likes change. There’s not much joy to be had in giving up some of your favorite foods. Fortunately, God gave me a joyful heart in learning to cook and eat in a healthy way that would prove to change my life.
After a year of working on improving my health and getting to a point where all my abnormal labs were corrected, our hope of having another baby was restored. Again, we found ourselves expecting another bundle of joy. This time, I made a choice: I chose joy over fear and worrying. I chose to celebrate every little thing during my pregnancy. I chose to start planning the nursery early on. I chose to plan a gender reveal party. Every choice was a joyful one; a hopeful one! This made all the difference during this pregnancy because the worry and fear that comes with a pregnancy after a loss is completely and utterly overwhelming and consuming. Things were going amazing; baby was growing and I was even starting to feel her move and kick. That is the most AMAZING feeling and the best part of being pregnant if you ask me. The half way mark was fast approaching, meaning the anatomical scan (you know, the one where you find out the gender) was too! So I planned a gender reveal party for that night – we would find out that morning and then tell all our family and close friends that night. The worst text I think I have ever had to send simply read “Party cancelled.” And sadly, no one had to ask why; everyone just knew. Yep, it had happened again – our daughter had passed away.
At this point, I was resolved that we would never find an answer to the Why and if we were going to have another biological child, it would be the total and complete Hand of God performing a modern day miracle. The hubs and I were both trying to work through this process, the grieving process. We were getting there individually and as a couple. I was starting to really concentrate on improving my health and learning more about managing autoimmune diseases. When one day during a Google search about autoimmune diseases, I stumbled upon a website for a Reproductive Immunologist. As read through each page on the website, I felt like I was reading the story of my journey through infertility and loss. Here was the answer to WHY!!!! And here was the solution!!! The best way I know how explain what I was feeling would be how I imagine Mary and Martha feeling when Jesus says “Lazarus come out.” The hope that what you are grieving may actually not be lost and gone forever.
After contacting this new specialist, having lots more labs done, and consulting with my local treating doctor, we decided to give this new protocol a try because it was confirmed as to what the problem was and why I was miscarrying. So here we go again with a new found hope. Though we knew why and had a very probable solution, the fear and worry still lingered in the background, but our hope and joy was not to be overshadowed. Though this new protocol had an 80% success rate, we unfortunately fell into the 20%. We had lost another baby despite being on all kinds of meds to help treat the problem. After talking with the specialist, he now only gave the adjusted, more aggressive protocol a 60% chance of helping us to have a happy, healthy, full term baby. These odds were not very appealing to us, especially my emotions and my heart. Enough was enough. We were truly ready to stop searching for a forced, man-made miracle.
Within a month of loosing baby #7, we began discussing the possibility of us pursuing adoption. Just three short months later we found ourselves as approved, waiting, hopeful adoptive parents! The adoption process has been completely different than what my preconceived ideas told me it would be. Every adoption story is different from experience to wait time. We are nearly 2 years into the process and we are still hopeful, waiting adoptive parents. We know the most perfect baby will come to our family in God’s time; until then, we wait!!!
In the midst of the waiting, we very unexpectedly and completely unplanned, found our family celebrating a new life growing in my womb!!! This was my most amazing and worst pregnancy to date! It was amazing because I was healthy, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, going in which resulted in me being happy and optimistic. It was still a choice for me to believe, so I did; I believed with all my heart for 14 weeks, until the ultrasound told me otherwise. The devastation happens every single time and it does not get any easier. I think I am able to go through the process faster, but the depth of the hurt and pain is exactly the same.
I know this was SO long, but it is without a doubt the abbreviated version. I am frequently told, “You guys have been through so much.” Yes we have, but it’s nothing compared to what Christ went through willingly to save me and you. That! That sacrifice! That love! That Jesus Christ who died for me is what has gotten me through each and every day of this journey and has turned into a joyful one!! I hope you now know a little about my journey and I can’t wait to share more specifically about different aspects of my journey that it may bless and encourage you as you live your joyful journey!!!