“I could never do that.”
When people learn I’m a foster parent, they will usually end up saying “I could never do that.” I never know what to say.
If I’m honest with myself, that very phrase was an excuse I used for several years to keep my heart closed to the idea of being a foster parent.
I’ve experienced the hurt and pain of losing eight children within my womb. That is a pain and hurt that never goes away. And when we decided to be done trying to have another biological child, I never wanted to have another loss of a child. So we pursued private adoption.
In two years of being with our adoption agency, we were never matched with an expectant mom, and to be honest I’m not sure we even got close to being matched. But in those two years, God began to soften this hard heart and press in deep the idea of being a foster parent. Proof he knows me intimately: he pressed gradually and consistently; that is the only way this lady was going to go that route.
I remember the very first meeting we had with the Navigator for CYFD, and how I said to her that I just didn’t think I would ever be able to love a child as my own and then let them leave. I thought it would feel the same as having a miscarriage/stillborn.
Here we are, 18 months into our fostering journey and we’ve loved eight babies that we’ve had to say good bye to. (In case you’re wondering, the weight of that number fully hit me as I typed it and correlated it to the eight we’ve lost through miscarriage.) Some were in our home only a few days, while others were here for over a year.
Saying good bye is so very hard! And while it’s a loss to our WHOLE family, there is still hope and surprisingly the hurt isn’t quite so deep. It’s not because they aren’t biologically ours. It’s because these kids still have life and a future ahead of them!
When someone tells me, “I could never do that” here’s what I want to say:
“Yes you can!!! We CAN do lots of things, things we don’t want to do, things we never thought we would have the capacity to do. The only difference between me and you is I am in the game and you’re on the sideline trying to “play” my position. Plus, where’s that verse everyone likes to pull out in tough times? You know Philippians 4:13 I can do ALL things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Are saying that verse doesn’t apply to you but does apply to me in this situation I’m currently living out? No way, He would help you through it just like he is helping me and my family!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! It’s not easy and NO ONE wants to do it, but guess what YOU CAN!!”
So that’s really what I want to say to people, but I usually just stand there smiling.
The other thing that I think about loving a child and then letting them go, is that it’s a growing time for me and my family. I believe with all my heart that God has a purpose in EVERYTHING. I don’t always know what it is and may never know, but I do know that something good will come out of it all at some point. And because of that, I chose to see each situation, trial, test, whatever you want to call it as a chance for me to grow and become a little more like Christ, because that is our goal right?! I believe we are being refined in these moments. We are learning to love unconditionally, without expectation. That is a SCARY thing for this control-freak.
Another way to look at how we are able to let a child leave, is to think about something you personally have been through in your life that was very difficult (cancer, chronic illness, loss of a parent, addiction, etc.). I could easily say to you “I could never do that.” But what I really mean is, I don’t ever want to have to go through that, and I don’t even want to think about having to go through that. But could I go through it and come out on the other side a strong person??? Yes I can and I will if and when God chooses to use those things to refine me.
The difference between being refined through being a foster parent and being refined through things like cancer, loss of a parent, addiction, etc??? Foster parents willing chose to let God refine them through that means. I do NOT say that to place foster parents on a pedestal or infer that foster parents are better than anyone else. I simply say that as a challenge to anyone who’s heart is being gently pressed and softened toward becoming a foster parent.
If you have said this to me, please know I was not offended or hurt because I understand where your heart is in saying it. This post is just my thoughts on the topic and will hopefully challenge us all to live our lives with a greater faith and love each other a little deeper.