Really, why is it so hard to get past a miscarriage? Statistics are 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most happen very early on in a pregnancy and most doctors will say it’s because of a genetic problem. Makes sense – things weren’t goin right developmentally, the baby couldn’t survive.
So why is it SO hard to deal with?
I’ve known people who didn’t want a baby who conceived and later misccaried. And they grieved so hard for this baby that wasn’t “wanted.” So I don’t by the whole wanted versus unwanted argument.
I’ve known people that don’t believe in life beginning at conception that still grieved the loss of their baby when they miscarried. So it’s not about our beliefs as to when life begins.
I’ve personally lost a baby as early as 5 weeks and one as late as 19 weeks, and the pain was equal for each. So it’s not about when we lose them.
So why? Really? We never held these babies in our arms. Often times we didn’t even know if they were a boy or a girl. Most of the time, they didn’t have a name yet. We only knew them a few short days to months. So why????
“Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee.” Jeremiah 1:5
These words were spoken by God to the prophet Jeremiah, and I believe they are in scripture to remind each of us, from all eternity past. But most importantly I believe it is because of love!
“Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3
God’s love is everlasting and it DRAWS us! “We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 He loves each and everyone of us, and that love knits all together. It is how God created us to be – to love, especially the helpless. And what’s more helpless than the unborn?
It doesn’t matter if that baby was wanted or not, believed to be a baby or not, in the womb for one day or 280, or whatever reason you can come up with; that baby was loved by God and therefore loved by us!
But it doesn’t stop there. Through my personal experiences, I’ve come up with some other reasons why it’s so hard, especially for us women.
1. Shame and Guilt: We are women and our most basic bodily function/purpose is to bear children. (I do not say this in a degrading way toward women or to imply that the only function/purpose is to bear children! Rather I’m just saying that when we call it what it is, women and women only have been given an amazing, God-ordained creation that is a womb in which children are to be carried and born forth from. It’s quite amazing if you ask me!) The most common thing I’ve heard from other women and experienced myself is shame and guilt that they weren’t able to carry this baby to term. The guilt that maybe we did something that caused this to happen. That it’s our fault. That my friends, is a lot to handle and work through!! It’s also 100% FALSE!!!! I do not believe a miscarriage is the result of anything you did wrong; it is an unfortunate consequence of living in a fallen world as death is the ultimate penalty for sin. Sin of the world has resulted in the eventual physical death of us all; unfortunately the time of death for our babies came while they were yet still in the womb.
2. Feeling Alone: The statistic is 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage. So why do we feel alone? A lot of people say it’s because people don’t talk about it, and maybe that’s true, but I have another idea. That was my baby and my love for that baby can’t be duplicated; nobody loved my baby like I do, so how can you relate to my pain? Though we’ve been through the same experience of a miscarriage, each one is uniquely different in every aspect. No one but you can fully experience it and therefore a sense of aloneness develops. Here’s the deal ladies: We don’t have to be alone in this!! I’m not talking about joining a support group or pledging to be there for each other, although both are great and needed and helpful; rather I’m referring to the bigger picture of life. “…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, ‘The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.'” Hebrews 13:5-6 You see once we accept Christ as our savior, this promise, and SO many others become ours to claim and be comforted with on a daily basis, but especially in times like these!!! I beg you, don’t be alone as you walk this journey. Choose the friendship of Jesus!
3. Nothing Remains: I think it’s part of our nature to want to be remembered for something by someone. Our babies never got the chance to be known by anyone but us. Yes they left their mark on us and we will never forget them, but what about everyone else? They never saw our child, for that matter, we never saw our baby except on an ultrasound if we were lucky. There’s no pictures, no special toys or clothes, no lock of hair; there’s nothing tangible, absolutely NOTHING!!! Nothing the “what would’s…” What would he/she have looked like? What would they have been when they grew up? What would that family picture have looked like with them in it? Would they have been an amazing athlete, or musician? Would they have been funny and a class clown or serious with major drive and ambition? It’s hard because one day there is life growing inside you and hope growing in your heart and plans forming in your mind, and then there is NOTHING!! It’s ALL gone!! THAT is suffocating, gut-wrenching, panic attack causing like none other.
I don’t have a great solution to this other than to suggest that you find SOMETHING to remember your baby by: make a scrapbook of the ultrasound pictures, buy a special necklace, plant a rose bush, create something tangible for YOU to remember this baby by. The physical act of creating something, is so healing for me.
I think there are other reasons that contribute to the difficulty of dealing with a miscarriage, but these three seem to be the biggest for me. I’d love to hear your thoughts and how you’ve worked through it.